Goose Droppings From the Big East

(Spring Edition)

So, It’s that time of year again. Time when all the leaves start coming back, flowers start blooming, college coeds start wearing less clothes, Dave Wannstedt starts trimming his beard, and time for all nut job college football fans to start getting excited about the upcoming season. It’s that time when every fan (not you Syracuse, Duke, Kentucky, Indiana, Baylor, and Washington State fans… sorry it’s more of a cliché… tough shit) thinks their team has an actual shot at the National Championship. Since, most fans are retarded, hope is spreading across the country faster than Mark Mangino’s cholesterol is rising. As you may or may not know, I root for a team in the Big East. Not the Big (L)East or the Big Easy. The Big Fucking East! I don’t particularly like or even give a rat’s ass about anyone else, but the Big East. Laying all my cards out on the table (along with your naked wife/girlfriend…. I‘m “all in” by the way…), here is how Goose is seeing the college football landscape from his eye in the sky.

 

BIG EAST

Most Important Spring: Rutgers

Least Important Spring: Pitt

 

The Big East had a wonderful time period from the end the season until National Hey Look At Me I Have 3 Hats On a Table And Am Going to Put One On As Soon As the TV Cameras Show UP Day. Every team in the Big East is looking to the future with big smiles on the faces (we assume Wannstache is smiling; even though, that fucking dead rat above his mouth covers up his entire face), and why not? At least 3 teams in the Big East just signed their highest rated recruiting classes in school history. Including in that group is the beast (yes the title still goes through Morgantown) West Virginia. Bill Stewart has golly-geed and gosh-darned his way to stockpiling the kind of talent that looks to keep the Mountaineers as the favorite to win the conference for years to come. What’s that? Pat White’s out of eligibility? FUCK! So, anyways, like I was saying… with Matt Grothe, Mike Ford, George Selvie, and a large number of speedsters returning, Jim Leavitt has USF poised to finally live up to early expectations and take the conference title. And Don’t forget about the team that actually WON the conference last year: Cincinnati. They return most of the offense, and if anyone can move Tight Ends and Tailbacks to the defensive side of the ball and turn them into All Conference Performers, it’s Brian Kelly.. Ask Connor Barwin… So, that’s right folks… All that talk about “should the Big East lose its automatic bid?” and “how come they only have 8 teams? I have more STD’s than that. Isn’t that right Mom? Roll Tide!” should finally die down as the Big East is here to stay and better than ever!

Grade: A

 

BIG 10

Most Important Spring: Michigan (find help everywhere…)

Least Important Spring: Penn State

 

Ah! The Big Ten… What can you say about the Big Ten that hasn’t already been said about herpes. No matter how bad it want it to just go the fuck away, face it… it’s here to stay. Only in the Big Ten can you find a “who’s who (the fuck is that?) of coaching names”… Seriously, who even coaches Indiana? Bret Bielema? Tim Brewster? Any relation to Punky? Come to think of it, I’d rather have Soleil Moon Frye kick me in the nuts than have to watch Indiana-Purdue, or Northwestern-Michigan State, or Minnesota- insert any of the other 6 teams. I’d rather fuck Roseanne Barr than have to watch that Big Ten Network commercial with all the coaches. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where they had to do 17 takes with Joe Paterno to get him to say “come to Penn State” without pissing his pants or breaking his hip. Guess what Big Ten fans? Illinois has more talent than anyone in your conference.. You make Ron Zook think he can actually coach. Congrats Jim Delaney.. Hope the Annual BCS Bowl beatdowns are getting you off… I know they do for everyone else.

Grade: D+

 

PAC 10

Most Important Spring: USC

Least Important Spring: Washington State

 

Now, we pack up the suitcase and head out west for some fun in the sun. I’m writing this Pac 10 blog from Reggie Bush’s family old house in San Diego (thanks Pete). How do you really even talk about the Pac 10 with a straight face.. Even thinking the words, “Maybe someone will win the Pac 10 instead of USC” is laughable at best. It’s like Jimmy Fallon trying to keep a straight face during the Blue Oyster Cult skit on SNL… Not going to happen.. I’m not Matt Damon ya know… I mean, c’mon, when talking about the Pac 10, is it okay if I just refer them from now on as “Pete and the Wannabes”. It’s becoming such a foregone conclusion that USC will win the Pac 10 that Pete Carroll worries more about getting Will Ferrell and Snoop Dogg sideline passes than he does about who’ll start at QB. He exhausts more effort trying to look like an asshole to Mark Sanchez than he does trying to figure out is Oregon is actually pronounced “Or-a-gen” or “Or-a-gon”… So, congratulations are in store for Jim Harbaugh, Dennis Erickson, Mike Riley, Jeff Tedford, Mike Stoops, Mike Belloti, Steve Sarkisian (although Tyrone will get his just due here), Slick Rick Neuheisel, and some guy at Washington State. The fight for 2^nd Place has already begun… for the next 5 years… and thanks for being so damned putrid, that your lack of talent and winning ways is costing USC a shot at the BCS National Championship.. Seriously, Urban sends his best.

Grade: C 

 

ACC

Most Important Spring: Clemson

Least Important Spring: Virginia Tech

 

“Is everyone excited about another rousing rendition of ACC footba……. Hello? Hello? Where’d they all go? To watch the NBA?” That’s right ACC fans and gentlemen. The 12 team Super Conference known as the ACC is ready to build upon the success that the former members of the Big East had last year. Of course, I’m talking about Virginia Tech. Congrats are in store for the Castrated Turkeys as they finally gave the conference a win in a BCS Game for the first time since……Read that sentence again…. and again… and again.. Have you stopped laughing yet? Me neither… and again… and again… Hey! At least you have the best basketball conferen……. Oops… Big East again…But, things are looking up for the conference this year. North Carolina was ranked #1... Dammit! That’s baseball… Do they even play football in the ACC? Has Florida State gone back to an All Women’s University again? Randy Shannon better start allowing knife fights and drive bys again if the ACC wants to be taken serious… When Duke and North Carolina’s possible resurgence is the bright spot out of 12 teams….. Throw in the towel… PLEASE!

Grade: D-

 

BIG 12

Most Important Spring: Oklahoma (find an offensive line)

Least Important Spring: Oklahoma State

 

Everything’s Bigger in Texas! That’s true, look at Mike Leach’s ego… or Blake Gideon’s dropped interceptions…. Or Mike Sherman’s glasses…. Or Baylor’s consecutive losing season streak… (when David Koresh’s body has been on fire more times in the past 15 years than your Quarterbacks have… when do you just give up?) But, let’s not just think “Everything’s Bigger in Texas”… that slogan can work for the entire Big 12, when it comes to football… Take the state of Oklahoma for instance… Nobody’s had bigger choke jobs over the past 4 years than the Sooners, and nobody’s made a bigger ass out of themselves than Mike Gundy.. I can’t wait for the whole “I’m a stay at home Man! I’m 45 and just got fired” press conference…. Moving on to Kansas, way too easy… “Kansas State?” You ask.. They have Bill Snyder back; therefore, the OOC schedule should be “bigger”… Nebraska has Bo Pelini’s ears…. Mizzou has….. Who the hell does Missouri have anymore? Quick, $15 to the first person that can name 4 starters for Missouri in their Spring Game…. Colorado has Ralphie and I hear they have a terrific “Intramural Program”… I feel like I’m forgetting about someone… Must not be important… kinda like a cyclone…

Grade: B-

 

SEC

Most Important Spring: LSU (find a QB)

Least Important Spring: Florida (stay healthy)

 

“SEC SEC SEC!!!” How many times have we heard this? How many times have I dreamt about banging Eva Mendes? How many times has Tim Tebow kissed a dude? The answer=too many times… Seriously, take pride in your team… I have no problem with that… We’re all homers… for teams? You guys… for an entire conference… Fine! That’s your cup of tea… so have at it.. Just be sure that next time you feel the urge to chant “SEC SEC SEC”… take a deep breath… think for a minute about what you’re saying… then please, for the love of god, please chant: “LSU AND FLORIDA… LSU AND FLORIDA… LSU AND FLORIDA”… why you may be wondering? Because they are the only two reasons that you can puff out your chest.. Tell me how much BCS success Auburn, South Carolina, Alabama, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Georgia, Kentucky, Vanderbilt, and Tennessee have had lately? Here’s a quick answer: MINIMAL! So, LSU fans… Keep drinking Hurricanes and shooting opposing teams’ fans. Florida fans…. Keep buying jorts, shopping at Wal-Mart, and decorating your trailers with Tebow idols… You’ve earned it… Everyone Else.. Politely, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Sure the SEC has a great collective group of coaches… Yes, they have Tim Tebow…. You know what else they have.. A losing record against the ACC last year… THE ACC? So, congratulations on getting 11 out of 12 teams ranked in the top 5... You’ve earned it… at least you have if you wear Purple and Gold or Superman pajamas…

 

 Grade: B+

 

 

INDEPENDANTS

The two biggest stories out of South Bend over the past few months:

1. They signed some Hawaiian or Polynesian Mormon to play Linebacker… Congrats to Fat Charlie for stealing the kid away from USC and the LDS out there in Utah… Congrats on hyping up this kid the same way you do everyone else.. My god (or John Smith, or Brigham Young, or Bill Paxton)! The last person to get the Irish fans this giddy was:

2. Jimmy Clausen… great bowl game… too bad nobody knew it was on TV.. Congrats on turning 21... Now, the only newsworthy story when you decide to take your porcupine looking ass out for some beer pong at the TKE house is the fact that you’re undoubtedly drinking ZIMA… with a fucking Watermelon Jolly Rancher in it… You Pussy!

Most Important Spring: Jimmy Clausen

Grade: C

 

NON-BCS  

Most Important Spring: Utah

Least Important Spring: Marshall

Nobody cares.. Honestly, I don’t care one iota about the Mountain West or the WAC… Have a problem with it? Sue Me… I’m sure you will… seems to be the answer for everything else with you guys… Although, I do like East Carolina… Thkip Holth ith my favorite coach in the univerthe…

  

Grade: F- 

 

 

I’m Goose! And You’ve Been Dropped On from Above!……