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Teddy Dupay-4-Play
Are you like me? Has the season kinda flown by and you haven't really either seen a whole lot or expected it to go this fast? Not since a one night stand I had with an IUPUI cheerleader I had about 6 years ago has anything so anticipated come and gone so damn quickly. And again, in similar fashion, nothing really happened that you didn't expect to begin with. I'll miss college football, if only because it means now I get to work full Saturdays and yearn for next year. Michigan will suck ass again, but maybe, just maybe...no, wait, we lost to a bunch of lousy Big 10 teams. Forget it. The only silver lining going on here is if the Tin Man has a menstrual cycle soon. Without any further ado, we start off with the most pathetic of the conferences and work our way wherever I feel like it... ACC Well, what can you really say about them? I spent a year drinking and fornicating at Ball State. There was a group of girls in a sorority called "The Skulls" and it wasn't because they gave mad scully. They were the girls passed up by the other sororities (normally...eh, fuck it, completely due to ugliness) who still wanted to go back home, fatter and uglier, and pretend to the people that made fun of them that it was cool now that they were sorority chics. So they got together. And from the looks of it, did shots of honey mustard. Sigma Sigma Sigma. That's the ACC. A BCS conference in name and nothing else. For shit's sake, in week 1 they make it blatantly clear that they couldn't win an FCS championship. Last week, since most of us had forgotten (not me, mind like a steel trap) the indignity they laid upon us football fans back then, they decided to remind us how terrible they were by having both their conference title game reps bent over by mediocre SEC teams. I think we should start a petition to strip (Miley) the BCS auto bid from the ACC and give it to the Mountain Worst (luck). I haven't seen anything this disappointing since the first Paris Hilton sex tape. Newsflash...you don't make good porn in the dark, dumbasses. Grade: F. As in Frigging Pathetic. I think next year we should not even have an ACC conference chaos and the writer will hafta do the Mountain West. It'd be funny if I didn't hafta hear slack jawed UGA and USC (the one no one gives a shit about since they have 0 titles) fans spew drivel about how tough it is playing in Hillbilly Heaven. Big 10 Only Illinois played, and predictably, since they played someone worth a shit, it was Robin Givens all over again. Illinois' defense should file charges. And clean up those fucking stains on the carpet. For crissakes, Ron, take pride in your house. I wasn't around last week to give my verbal dust up of Michigan, and when I cool down from wanting Rich Rodriguez to earn his keep (I'm sooo demanding), I will. But the Big 10 season is done as usual other than a few shit games just because it's cool to be like everyone else and play into December. My only regret is that we can't get an "Acc/Big 10 challenge" in football like there is in basketball. After all, MAC schools every now and then creep up and bite the Big 10 in the ass. The ACC surely won't make that mistake. Grade: F. When Illinois is your only team playing, that's like being a Class A ballclub and saying "well, we have too many injuries...see that kid with one arm and a bad case of SARS in row 13? Get him a glove and tell him to learn how to throw a curve. He's on the mound in 10 minutes." SEC Well, this is the week we've been waiting for since week 1. What? The first full week the SEC doesn't have an FCS team on the schedule? No. The first week for people to pretend that Missy State is a "tough out"? Certainly not. That happens every week. That's right kids, after 13 weeks of being a 5 year old stuck with your parents at the nursing home, watching people drool and inhaling "that smell" that makes you wonder why exactly you crawled out of the womb in the first place...we have an SEC game that matters. It will be billed as "the other national championship" because as we all know, ESPN thinks their own shit doesn't stink. The two teams in the Dolly Parton top heavy SEC finally cross paths, the way George Michael and Richard Simmons sword fight in the bathroom at the airport. Are you as excited as I am? I mean, I can't wait til they show shots of fans entering the Georgia Dome. Look for these things.... 1. Instead of instructions like "Gate 2" with an arrow pointing around the corner giving directions...the SEC title game tickets were sold with pictures depicting directions to alleviate all the stress of Bama fans having to learn how to read in a week. So instead of "Gate 2" there's a picture of a bottle of Schlitz. And "Gate 1" is a boy doing missionary on a girl and both participants are wearing shirts that say "Cousin" on them 2. An extra parking lot than most games have. You know how they say "RV/Camper parking" and "regular lot?" The SEC title game has an extra one, called "Non-RV parking...actual "this is my home and I drove it here" parking" HERE. 3. Beef jerky and 'shine as an actual food group. Grade: INC. As it has been the entire season while we wait for this one. Mid Majors/Indys To eloquently describe the mid major revolution, 2009, I'd like to take you to a scene from "The Hannah Montana Movie." There was a part where she was a guest of honor with the mayor of Bumfucksville, TN for putting on a concert to save the town (wait, am I ruining it for you? Should I stop til you watch it?) but the vexing issue was that she'd told the hillbilly blonde kid that she's been trying to knock boots with that she'd go on a date with him when he asked (finally!). So during this scene, she's running from venue to venue (how effing convenient that they were in adjacent buildings), stopping off at the janitor's closet in between to change from brown haired girl to starlet blonde. She does this about 7 times and no one notices. That, my friends, sums up the Mid Majors in 2009. TCU and Boise keep doing their thing. No one notices. And damn, they're both so hot either way. Grade: F. 2 unbeaten teams? Pussies. BCS conferences have 4 right now. Big East Onto something not so hot, like the Big East's desire to be like the SEC (and not the ACC) and wait until the first weekend of DECEMBER to play it's meaningful conference game. In their defense, no one thought Pittsburgh, coached by Dave "White Dirty Sanchez" Wannestadt would be doing anything for a conference crown. Cincy was believable. They have the one good coach in the entire conference. There's a gaping hole the size of Courtney Love's snatch, post self pleasuring with a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper between Kelly and the next guy. In fact, I can't even name who the next guy is. I know who it's NOT...and that's Bill Stewart. Who won this weekend in the "Backyard Brawl." A completely delusional name for a rivalry that features an entire state of people who have houses on wheels...and by proxy no actual backyard. As for Stewy, give him credit. He did what Rich couldn't. Win a game over Pitt that had something to do with a conference title. (hard jab to the sternum). Eat one, Rich. Grade: SEC...ond conference that hates having even ONE good game all conference season til nearly Hannaukah. Pac 10 Beaver or Duck. Which would you rather eat, Ohio State? Duck's a little greasy, Beaver smells a little like fish unless you clean her off first and put a clothespin on your nose. Loved watching SC pour salt in UCLA's wounds. Everyone thinks it's sooooo fuckin funny when Jim Harbaugh or Slick Rick calls out Saint Pete down in Compton. But when Pete decides to go the foot up the ass route? Oh, that's just not right. Check your tampons, ladies. If you can get the finger out of your ass long enough to do so, you Adam Lambert loving queers. Grade: C. As in SC. I can't get excited about watching a team from the Emerald State in the Rose Bowl. It's like watching a fat chic win homecoming queen without some sort of dibilitating disease that makes you feel sorry for her so you voter her in... Big 12 And lastly, we give you the 12. A weekly Pee Wee Herman of football expose. Seemed like every week, someone from the 12 was baring their insecurities. Whether it was Oklahoma, intimidated by BYUs players that they could bone 7 women with all their wives knowing about it to Nebraska reminding us that Iowa State might not actually have giant ass red birds that have tornado tails...but they do have football. Or Kansas, doing their best Rich Rodriguez and boning off 7 straight losses after starting 5-0 to Mizzou, who's end of season unis make fat people with genital warts cringe....and they look at that shit daily. Or how about Okie State, good enough to go all anal beads and...I don't have lube so let's use sandpaper...on Georgia before losing to Houston...then getting good again, then the whole Joumana Kidd thing Texas did to them...then getting good again...and then we come full circle in Bob "I love being at Oklahoma...seriously...no...fuck you, I'm not drunk, that's apple juice...I do like it here" Stoops putting the peter to OSU once and for all. Bedlam, they say. Get in bed and cuff yourself while I eat the rest of these Froot Loops, I say. Grade: C. Texas decided that they were the kid that wanted to meet expectations whilst their brothers failed and got sodomized in jail. There will be one more rendition of the Chaos, and by God, you'd better hope I'm in a little better of a mood...
Are you like me? Has the season kinda flown by and you haven't really either seen a whole lot or expected it to go this fast? Not since a one night stand I had with an IUPUI cheerleader I had about 6 years ago has anything so anticipated come and gone so damn quickly. And again, in similar fashion, nothing really happened that you didn't expect to begin with. I'll miss college football, if only because it means now I get to work full Saturdays and yearn for next year. Michigan will suck ass again, but maybe, just maybe...no, wait, we lost to a bunch of lousy Big 10 teams. Forget it. The only silver lining going on here is if the Tin Man has a menstrual cycle soon. Without any further ado, we start off with the most pathetic of the conferences and work our way wherever I feel like it...
ACC
Well, what can you really say about them? I spent a year drinking and fornicating at Ball State. There was a group of girls in a sorority called "The Skulls" and it wasn't because they gave mad scully. They were the girls passed up by the other sororities (normally...eh, fuck it, completely due to ugliness) who still wanted to go back home, fatter and uglier, and pretend to the people that made fun of them that it was cool now that they were sorority chics. So they got together. And from the looks of it, did shots of honey mustard. Sigma Sigma Sigma. That's the ACC. A BCS conference in name and nothing else. For shit's sake, in week 1 they make it blatantly clear that they couldn't win an FCS championship. Last week, since most of us had forgotten (not me, mind like a steel trap) the indignity they laid upon us football fans back then, they decided to remind us how terrible they were by having both their conference title game reps bent over by mediocre SEC teams. I think we should start a petition to strip (Miley) the BCS auto bid from the ACC and give it to the Mountain Worst (luck). I haven't seen anything this disappointing since the first Paris Hilton sex tape. Newsflash...you don't make good porn in the dark, dumbasses.
Grade: F. As in Frigging Pathetic. I think next year we should not even have an ACC conference chaos and the writer will hafta do the Mountain West. It'd be funny if I didn't hafta hear slack jawed UGA and USC (the one no one gives a shit about since they have 0 titles) fans spew drivel about how tough it is playing in Hillbilly Heaven.
Big 10
Only Illinois played, and predictably, since they played someone worth a shit, it was Robin Givens all over again. Illinois' defense should file charges. And clean up those fucking stains on the carpet. For crissakes, Ron, take pride in your house. I wasn't around last week to give my verbal dust up of Michigan, and when I cool down from wanting Rich Rodriguez to earn his keep (I'm sooo demanding), I will. But the Big 10 season is done as usual other than a few shit games just because it's cool to be like everyone else and play into December. My only regret is that we can't get an "Acc/Big 10 challenge" in football like there is in basketball. After all, MAC schools every now and then creep up and bite the Big 10 in the ass. The ACC surely won't make that mistake.
Grade: F. When Illinois is your only team playing, that's like being a Class A ballclub and saying "well, we have too many injuries...see that kid with one arm and a bad case of SARS in row 13? Get him a glove and tell him to learn how to throw a curve. He's on the mound in 10 minutes."
SEC
Well, this is the week we've been waiting for since week 1. What? The first full week the SEC doesn't have an FCS team on the schedule? No. The first week for people to pretend that Missy State is a "tough out"? Certainly not. That happens every week. That's right kids, after 13 weeks of being a 5 year old stuck with your parents at the nursing home, watching people drool and inhaling "that smell" that makes you wonder why exactly you crawled out of the womb in the first place...we have an SEC game that matters. It will be billed as "the other national championship" because as we all know, ESPN thinks their own shit doesn't stink. The two teams in the Dolly Parton top heavy SEC finally cross paths, the way George Michael and Richard Simmons sword fight in the bathroom at the airport. Are you as excited as I am? I mean, I can't wait til they show shots of fans entering the Georgia Dome. Look for these things....
1. Instead of instructions like "Gate 2" with an arrow pointing around the corner giving directions...the SEC title game tickets were sold with pictures depicting directions to alleviate all the stress of Bama fans having to learn how to read in a week. So instead of "Gate 2" there's a picture of a bottle of Schlitz. And "Gate 1" is a boy doing missionary on a girl and both participants are wearing shirts that say "Cousin" on them
2. An extra parking lot than most games have. You know how they say "RV/Camper parking" and "regular lot?" The SEC title game has an extra one, called "Non-RV parking...actual "this is my home and I drove it here" parking" HERE.
3. Beef jerky and 'shine as an actual food group.
Grade: INC. As it has been the entire season while we wait for this one.
Mid Majors/Indys
To eloquently describe the mid major revolution, 2009, I'd like to take you to a scene from "The Hannah Montana Movie." There was a part where she was a guest of honor with the mayor of Bumfucksville, TN for putting on a concert to save the town (wait, am I ruining it for you? Should I stop til you watch it?) but the vexing issue was that she'd told the hillbilly blonde kid that she's been trying to knock boots with that she'd go on a date with him when he asked (finally!). So during this scene, she's running from venue to venue (how effing convenient that they were in adjacent buildings), stopping off at the janitor's closet in between to change from brown haired girl to starlet blonde. She does this about 7 times and no one notices. That, my friends, sums up the Mid Majors in 2009. TCU and Boise keep doing their thing. No one notices. And damn, they're both so hot either way.
Grade: F. 2 unbeaten teams? Pussies. BCS conferences have 4 right now.
Big East
Onto something not so hot, like the Big East's desire to be like the SEC (and not the ACC) and wait until the first weekend of DECEMBER to play it's meaningful conference game. In their defense, no one thought Pittsburgh, coached by Dave "White Dirty Sanchez" Wannestadt would be doing anything for a conference crown. Cincy was believable. They have the one good coach in the entire conference. There's a gaping hole the size of Courtney Love's snatch, post self pleasuring with a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper between Kelly and the next guy. In fact, I can't even name who the next guy is. I know who it's NOT...and that's Bill Stewart. Who won this weekend in the "Backyard Brawl." A completely delusional name for a rivalry that features an entire state of people who have houses on wheels...and by proxy no actual backyard. As for Stewy, give him credit. He did what Rich couldn't. Win a game over Pitt that had something to do with a conference title. (hard jab to the sternum). Eat one, Rich.
Grade: SEC...ond conference that hates having even ONE good game all conference season til nearly Hannaukah.
Pac 10
Beaver or Duck. Which would you rather eat, Ohio State? Duck's a little greasy, Beaver smells a little like fish unless you clean her off first and put a clothespin on your nose. Loved watching SC pour salt in UCLA's wounds. Everyone thinks it's sooooo fuckin funny when Jim Harbaugh or Slick Rick calls out Saint Pete down in Compton. But when Pete decides to go the foot up the ass route? Oh, that's just not right. Check your tampons, ladies. If you can get the finger out of your ass long enough to do so, you Adam Lambert loving queers.
Grade: C. As in SC. I can't get excited about watching a team from the Emerald State in the Rose Bowl. It's like watching a fat chic win homecoming queen without some sort of dibilitating disease that makes you feel sorry for her so you voter her in...
Big 12
And lastly, we give you the 12. A weekly Pee Wee Herman of football expose. Seemed like every week, someone from the 12 was baring their insecurities. Whether it was Oklahoma, intimidated by BYUs players that they could bone 7 women with all their wives knowing about it to Nebraska reminding us that Iowa State might not actually have giant ass red birds that have tornado tails...but they do have football. Or Kansas, doing their best Rich Rodriguez and boning off 7 straight losses after starting 5-0 to Mizzou, who's end of season unis make fat people with genital warts cringe....and they look at that shit daily. Or how about Okie State, good enough to go all anal beads and...I don't have lube so let's use sandpaper...on Georgia before losing to Houston...then getting good again, then the whole Joumana Kidd thing Texas did to them...then getting good again...and then we come full circle in Bob "I love being at Oklahoma...seriously...no...fuck you, I'm not drunk, that's apple juice...I do like it here" Stoops putting the peter to OSU once and for all. Bedlam, they say. Get in bed and cuff yourself while I eat the rest of these Froot Loops, I say.
Grade: C. Texas decided that they were the kid that wanted to meet expectations whilst their brothers failed and got sodomized in jail.
There will be one more rendition of the Chaos, and by God, you'd better hope I'm in a little better of a mood...