Sweetie Says

 

Is it me or does the off season get longer and longer every year?  Or is it that time goes by so much slower when you don’t have an excuse to be in a beer and bourbon haze from sun up to sun down every weekend?  Either way it is only May and I am dreaming about kickoff like Amy Winehouse dreams about crack.  Spring games always seem like a giant tease to me.  Like being kissed and fondled first thing in the morning, and then the instigator walks away…leaving you all worked up and excited for nothing!  Only it is going to take a lot more than a cold shower to get this need for football to go away.  ESPN has been showing lacrosse and poker during prime time hours.  And apparently when there is no polo, badminton, some other “who gives a shit” sporting event, they are airing hour long specials about A-Rod putting needles in his booty.  Is this what the off season has come to?  Endless hours of professional roid users swinging wooden bats, hockey (which never ends apparently and is irrelevant to most of us), lacrosse, and poker?  Man, I remember when I was a kid I used to look forward to summer.  Now it is just torture.  There’s a thought CIA!  Forget water boarding.  Round up all the terrorists and make them watch endless hours of Mark May commentating and recapping chess and women’s lacrosse.  That’ll make ‘em talk!  How many more days of this do we have to endure????  I guess I can complain all I want but it still won’t change the fact that it is only May, so the least I can do is dive on into my take on this year’s football outlook.

 

SEC

 

Most Important Spring: Tennessee (You all wanted to be talked about, you got it)

Least Important Spring: Florida

 

The media has filled the off season with endless reports about the Gators repeating, Tebow, and Kiffin’s “Oops of the week,” but there is much more afoot in the SEC.  It is well known that the Gators have a bull’s-eye on their back the size of Michael Moore’s ass.  UGA, LSU, UT, SC, and UK all felt the wrath of UF’s offense last year and will be out to redeem their pride and dignity in ‘09.  Everyone wants to talk about who will replace Percy Harvin.  The fact is that the Gators don’t need one player to replace Percy.  They have 4 guys who will handle the work load with no problem, not to mention they have a quarterback who can get the ball into anyone’s hands in any situation.  SEC talk and focus should be on Alabama and how they are going to keep their baby quarterback calm and consistent, and off of his back this year.  What was Saban thinking not letting McElroy get some meaningful game time last year??  Yeah Alabama is loaded with receiver talent, but it won’t do them much good if they can’t get the ball in their hands.  SEC talk should also be about LSU and how they plan to fix the wrongs of 2008.  Their spring game showed that fixing the co-coordinator debacle may have solved their consistency issues on defense, and it seems that LSU found their starting man at QB.  I think we will be seeing the bowl game LSU team and not the 5 loss regular season LSU team in ‘09.  I refuse to give up any of my time discussing Tennessee.  It is going to take a lot more than a loud mouth blowhard stirring up publicity to be relevant in this conference.  UT had a great recruiting class, whoo hoo!  Hate to break it to you Tennessee fans; everyone in the SEC hated you enough before Kiffin came on board, now he gave us one more reason to want to beat the living snot out of you.  You can have the greatest recruiting class of all time but it isn’t going to save you from being beaten like a red headed step child this year.  Georgia will quietly reload and recover from a disappointing fall from grace last yr.  They lost some big names, but Richt knows how to keep the talent pipeline flowing.  I don’t even know where to begin on Ole Miss.  Will they?  Won’t they?  Can they?  Sweet Mary on high!  Can we please let the season start before we write Ole Miss in as the SEC West champion?  They are returning a lot of talent, including a QB who is often compared to Tebow (Pfft! As if!).  But let’s get serious…Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, and Tenn. aren’t going to lay down for Ole Miss.  Not to mention they have their in-state rival Miss St at the end of the season.  Nothing would give new head coach Dan Mullen a bigger boost than ousting Nutt and his Rebels from the top spot.  And since I mentioned Auburn, let me go ahead and say it now…they will be the upset kings of 2009.  Write it down.  I said it.  Auburn always does the most damage when they have nothing to lose and when no one is talking about them.  They won’t be the powerhouse team of old, but they will ruin some seasons this yr. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grade: A (did you really expect anything lower?)

 

 

Big Ten

 

Most Important Spring: Penn State (Will they do it again?)

Least Important Spring: Indiana (Do they have a team?)

 

I am pretty sure that I would rather sit outside and watch cotton grow then sit in front of a TV and watch Big Ten football.  For one, cotton grows faster than any offensive series plays out in the Big Ten.   And second of all, cotton serves a purpose and Big Ten football does not.  Does Big Ten football really even matter anymore?  Do any of us really care to watch another Big Ten BCS bowl game blow out?  Save us all the pain and TV time slots and just play amongst yourselves on the Big Ten channel and call it a day already.  It is a sad day when the rest of the country would rather watch your corn fed, cheese filled, pasty cheerleaders do the high V than watch 60 minutes of your games.  Seriously, what is the biggest news coming out of Big Ten country this year?  Papa Joe gets his 1 billionth win and vows to never quit the game as long as Bobby Bowden breathes, and Pryor turns out to not be the bust of a recruit everyone thought he would be.  Wow I can hardly contain myself with all that noise and excitement.  Michigan, we are going to need you to hurry up and be competitive again.  You guys have the players, you have a good coach, you had one year to stink it up, now it is time to figure out the right gameday combination so the rest of us don’t have to endure another year of Penn State and Ohio State duking it out for the title of Smartest Kid on the Short Bus, err I mean Big Ten Champion.  Penn State fans, what did you lose?  14 starters?  15?  Good luck with that rebuild.  Add that to the sting of knowing that one field goal kept you out of the NCG in ‘08, and you got yourself a tough 2009 season ahead of you.  Don’t start getting too giddy OSU fans.  You are right behind them losing 13 starters including big names like Wells and Laurinaitis.  Is it me, or does that name sound more like an STD than a feared football player?  Anyway, the last time OSU dropped 9+ starters, the college football world felt the need to rank OSU preseason #1.  Oops!  Not going to happen this time.  I hope Pryor knows how to throw and catch his own passes.  I guess it won’t matter.  Who in the hell is going to challenge OSU for the top spot this year?  Wisconsin?  Iowa? Maybe Minnesota?  Hahaha, ok even I can’t say that with a straight face. 

 

Grade: C

 

 

Big 12

 

Most Important Spring: Texas (how will they rebound from the shaft they got in ‘08?)

Least Important Spring: Baylor (who?)

 

Ah yes ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather around and get yourselves ready for another year of brilliant Big 12 offensive attacks, outstanding offensive numbers, and record shattering high scoring games.  No one is better than the Big 12 and their high powered offenses!  These offenses are unstoppable!  No one can keep up!  No one!  Oh wait! Florida did.  Oregon did.  So did Ole Miss.  On a bright note, Kansas sure beat the living crap out of Minnesota.  There is something to be proud of…Kansas went out and beat up the gimp on the playground.  Good for you guys!  Let’s put this out in the open right now.  Colt isn’t winning the Heisman.  There I said it.  Let’s move on shall we?  Texas is returning a whole lotta talent and they will be just as good as they were last year.  And just like last year, their best probably won’t be good enough.  Some nagging loss will keep them from the NCG which will be a shame because they sure are looking like they belong there.  Now to last year’s not so #1, end of the season #1 team Oklahoma: WWSD (What Will Sam Do)?  Same thing as last year; put up ridiculous numbers because he throws against the worst defenses in all of college football, get a whole bunch of undeserved praise and cock sucking, and then be fisted by whatever OOC defense he faces in the post season.  Hope I didn’t just ruin the season plot for you OU fans.  I am still trying to figure out why anyone is talking about Texas Tech.  Their star playmakers on offense are gone.  Their key players on defense are gone.  TT is nothing more than what Billy Ray Cyrus was to radio…a one hit wonder we all wish we could forget but keeps hanging around for some painful reason.  Let’s see, who else plays in the Big 12?  Does the north half of the conference still play football or are they just there for show?  I am asking in all seriousness.  Remember when Nebraska was like the most ridiculous team in the world?  Talk about a fall from grace.  Last year we saw glimmers of hope for the Huskers.  Let’s keep that going guys.  We’d like to watch a good challenge in the Big 12 CCG for a change of pace.  If we could just get Missouri and Kansas to stop hating and bitch slapping each other long enough to get them focused on beating the other teams in the conference, there just might be hope for the North yet.

 

Grade: B

 

 

ACC

 

Most Important Spring: North Carolina

Least Important Spring: FSU (Will they start the practice squad while their starters are suspended?)

 

What a hideous college football conference this has become.  Not that it was ever good, now that I think about it.  FSU ruled the world because none of the other teams challenged them, and BC, VT, and UM were busy mucking it up in the Big Least.  So what did the bigwigs of CFB do?  Put a whole bunch of half ass teams into one conference, divide the teams in such a lop sided way that a team on one side could have 6 losses and still go to the CCG, and call themselves the new and improved Atlantic Coast Conference.  Spare yourselves the agony and stick to basketball please.  Oh damn!  I’m sorry.  You guys aren’t the hairy, scary, king daddy of college basketball anymore either are you?  I mean, if it weren’t for the state of North Carolina, the ACC wouldn’t have been a discussion in the Final Four the last 10 yrs.  But this is a football site, so let’s get back to the subject at hand…dissecting and rating what you ACC’ers call football.  Right out of the gate- FSU fans, your team got what was coming and quite frankly you deserved worse.  The NCAA was lenient if you ask me.  Your defense was the only thing keeping you guys looking somewhat respectable last year, and you lost some big names there.  So, good luck looking respectable again this year.  Your QB will throw double digit interceptions again, and you will suffer more embarrassing loses at home.  On the bright side, you play in a horrible conference, so in comparison you won’t look real bad; AND let’s not forget that you happen to be on the side of the conference where you can have 5+ loses and still make it to the CCG.  On to Clemson…F U Clemson!  Because of your loss to Alabama last year, the rest of us had to endure every Bammer screaming and shouting about how they are back and how they rule the world.  Do you realize how many years of hard work it took to beat them back into submission? And you go and undo all that work in 60 minutes?  Thanks!  Thanks a lot.  Is it safe to assume that this will be another mediocre year from a mediocre team in a mediocre conference?  Most likely, yes.  But then again, that will probably be the same story for VT, BC, Wake, and those other yawn yawn ACC teams.  Will GT or UM rise from the ACC ashes this year?  Hmmm, both contributed to the hideous ACC bowl record last year.  UM spends all of their time trying to point out to everyone that they have less player arrests than other schools in Florida instead of learning how to win games.  Last year their excuse was young players.  The year before, their excuse was a new coach playing with another coach’s players.  I wonder what the excuse will be this year, lackoswaggeritus?  Now there is one ACC team that I can get on board with.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can really jump on the UNC football wagon.  Talk about going from zero to hero.  Good for you lil’ Tar Heels!  May Butch one day lead you to be crowned champs of the laughed at football conference.   

 

Grade: D-

 

 

 

Pac 10

 

Most Important Spring: USC (because they are the Pac 10)

Least Important Spring: The other 9 teams

 

This conference is like the sand fleas that ruin a beautiful day at the beach.  You don’t see them.  You don’t care to see them.  You don’t care they exist.  You don’t know why they exist.  And they are a pain in your ass but you don’t know how to make them go away.  Here is what kills me- Everyone cries that the SEC cheers for an entire conference and not a team; yet somehow Pac 10 fans unite and cry about their superiority when USC is the only team that has done a damn thing in how many years now?  Put down your fruity martinis, your Gucci purses, and your pink pom poms and listen up Pac 10 fans!  Nobody cares about anything you do out there.  What you play from Sept to Dec is not football.  A bitch fight amongst pillow biters at best, but it is not football.  With all the talented film and TV writers out west, no one can mange to write a new plot for Pac 10 football???  USC wins, USC “shockingly” loses to someone, USC goes to the Rose Bowl…end of tired story.  Sweet Pete!  Can we do something to derail the Carroll monopoly out there?  I mean we hear about how ASU is going to be an amazing powerhouse every year, and then poof!  They do nothing.  UCLA adds NFL talent to their staff but it doesn’t seem to help.  Washington goes and…ok wait.  I got nothing on Washington.  They are just horrible.  You mean to tell me that Oregon and Oregon State are the only hopes of us not seeing USC in a BCS Bowl?  Well listen up you Pac Punks, if there is ever a year to shut those orange spray tanned, cry baby, bleach haired USC fans up, it is this year.  They lost 12 big names.  Let me say that again, TWELEVE big names.  I’d like to say that losing their star QB will hurt them, but it won’t.  Pac 10 teams play defense as well as Paula Poundstone parents.  USC’s young buck QB will be in Heisman talks due to ridiculous stats by year’s end.  Oregon State’s weakness this year seems to be their losses on defense, but shouldn’t be a big deal (see Pac 10 defense analogy above).  They do have the Rodgers brothers who are just down right nasty.  Keep them healthy and the rest of the football world will be cheering for you.  And as for you my Duck friends, well…seeing that you guys lost just about your entire team, I think we are going to put our hopes and dreams behind your beaver foes.      

 

Grade: B-

 

 

Big East  

 

Most Important Spring: West Virginia? 

Least Important Spring: UConn? 

 

Dear Sirs of College Football,

Please put this dismal conference out of it’s misery by disbanding them and dispersing the teams into other conferences so we never have to have another BE team waste a perfectly good spot in a major BCS Bowl Game.  We’d also appreciate it if you limited camera time on USF’s spitting, temper tantrum having coach.

 

Sincerely,

Every American who lives outside of the Mid Atlantic & New England region.

 

What to say?  What to say?  You know, when I signed up for this thing, I didn’t realize that I was going to have to say something positive about BE football.  What do I say positive about BE football??? UConn, your women’s basketball team is fantastic.  Nope, has to be something positive about football and only football.  Uh, West Virginia has the nicest and fluffiest sheep?  No, still not football.  Well, it sort of is.  I mean you can’t tell me that there isn’t a football player on that team that hasn’t had relations with a sheep.  OK, let me try this again.  Hey Rutgers, congrats on returning almost all of your offense.  There!  I did it!  Um what else?  Cincinnati, it looks like you guys are perched nicely to win your conference again this year.  Hey look!  I’m getting the hang of this!  Pitt, I can’t get enough of your coach’s mustache.  Ok I said enough nice things.  On to the important stuff…can someone please explain to me how the Big East has 50 basketball teams in the conference but only 8 in football?  Why don’t those 8 just stick to basketball too, and save their fans a lot of heartache and the rest of us our Thursday nights?  What are we all looking at this year from the Big East?  West Virginia has to replace their beloved Pat White, and they all still hate Rich Rodriguez.  Rutgers has 3 straight bowl victories, and is looking to extend their 7 game win streak.  Did I cover the major ones?  Louisville and USF don’t really blow my skirt up, and Pitt…well, every Fins fan knows Dave will never win anything.  I think if it weren’t for Goose, most of us would forget that the Big East plays football.  Thanks a lot Goose!

 

Oh on a side note, The Orange Bowl Committee recently announced that they want their money back from the teams that participated in the Orange Bowl last year.  They lost their asses when they couldn’t give Cinn vs. VT tickets away.  Even your best team can’t seem to draw anyone’s attention or interest. 

 

 

Grade: F

 

 

All the Middies & Indys

 

Most Important Spring: ND (Is this the year?!)

Least Important Spring: Any of the teams that have their geographical location in the school name (i.e.: Central Michigan, Southern Miss, North Texas, etc…)

 

Let me roll up my sleeves for this one because boy do I have some things to get off of my chest.  We need to set some things straight…#1: beating Alabama does not make you the best team in the nation nor does it mean that in a regular season you’d be able to run with the big dogs in the SEC.  You wouldn’t.  You’d be on the porch with the pussies licking your wounds before the end of October…just ask Hawaii.  #2: Crying and screaming that you went undefeated in the regular season while playing teams like La-Tech, Idaho, Hawaii, and Air Force is like bragging about having the fewest herpes flair ups in the whore house. Get over yourselves for the love of all that is holy!  #3: Boise State beating Oklahoma with plays like the flea flicker and the statue of Liberty does not mean that they (and all mid majors) are as good as the major conference teams.  Did Boise State borrow the play book from Coach Klein in Waterboy?  And #4: Who in the hell keeps putting ND in the Top 25 before the start of every season?  ND could lose every game, lose their entire offense, start a peg legged QB, and somehow they will still be preseason ranked in the Top 25.  Unbelievable!  Is there some sort of quota that needs to be filled?  Like the affirmative action of college football?  Please just give me a rational explanation for this annual phenomenon. 

 

Wow do I feel better now!  Whew!  Now on to the 2009 outlook for these powder puff teams: It seems that Ball State and Hawaii are kicking ass (literally) and taking names in the 2009 Fulmer Cup race.  Kudos on all that off season hard work.  Notre Dame, you won a bowl game last year!  Congratulations on getting that monkey off of your back.  Stir up something that resembles an offense this year and maybe you’ll make it 2 in a row!  Utah, you lost your offense but still have your defense.  Ask Oklahoma if it is offense or defense that wins big games.  We’ll all see you on TV in Jan.  Boise State…you play high school teams all year, we hate looking at your blue field, and your crying is becoming intolerable.  Please go away already.    Did I leave any other teams out that have been a relentless thorn in the side of every college football fan?  Oh yes, Ball State.  New coach, new QB, and pretty much a new offense…hope you guys enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame last year. 

 

Grade: G (Can I give a G?  How do I give a grade lower than an F?)

 

Now if y’all will excuse me, I have to go cut up some new jorts, kiss my cousin, brush my one tooth, and gas up my double wide before I go to bed. 

 

Peace, love, and sloppy smoochies,

 

Sweetie