The512’s 411
Hate Week is a lot like ‘90s singer-turned-nobody Meredith Brooks: a bitch that comes and goes before you know it yet leaves an awful taste in your mouth and ringing in your ears for years to come. Many teams (please see 2007 West Virginia) enter Hate Week riding a high, only to have their hopes come crashing down upon them with an inexplicable, National Championship-Game-preventing loss. To Dave Wannstedt. Others (2006 UCLA) salvage an otherwise-shitty season by claiming bragging rights, while at the same time knocking the cross-town bastards out of title contention. Hard to believe Karl Dorrell was able to beat Pete Carroll at anything, let alone a tackle football game. Almost as hard to believe as Ron Prince being 2-0 all-time against Mack Brown. A broken clock is right twice a day…
And while the 2009 version of Hate Week failed to produce that huge, water-cooler/message board-fodder upset, it nearly induced widespread heart attack outbreaks from Tuscaloosa to Austin.
Big XII
Best Showing: Oklahoma delivering its annual curb-stomping to the Pokes. Is it a rivalry if one team wins 8 out of every 10 games? That’s like saying me versus my brother three years my junior in one-on-one is a rivalry.
Worst Showing: Colorado, for bringing Dan Hawkins back for another year. What? The athletic department is flat broke? Can’t afford a buyout? OK then. Worst Showing: The CU athletic department, for being in the effing RED. Broke? Are you serious? I know the economy is in the toilet, but a BCS school’s athletic department being so broke that it can’t buy out Cody’s dad? Unacceptable.
If I hear the words “Texas,” “defense”, and “exposed” used in the same sentence in relative close proximity to one another, I’m going to have a conniption. People are even postulating that Nebraska has some sort of fighting chance in the forthcoming worthless-as-a-man’s-nipples Big XII Championship Game. Funny how all of a sudden Texas is now “beatable” and that Texas A&M gave everyone the “blueprint for beating Texas.” Really? One game on four days’ rest on the road to your rival in a game they won by double digits constitutes “beatable”? SEC mouthpiece Tim Brando had the nerve to say that the blueprint was now out there for how to beat Texas on his weekly hour-long Tim Tebow “This is Your Life” pre-game show. Last time I checked, Timmy, Texas won the game by 10 points. And unless Nebraska 1) institutes the forward pass into its gameplan, and 2) acquired Jerrod Johnson for some ethanol to be named later, they really can’t begin to dream of outscoring Texas in the Big XII Championship Game.
This year’s Big XII Championship Game will be the fourteenth such game, and only three were match-ups of two top 10 teams, which means there have been more opportunities for uber-upsets. And that’s what’s happened, as this game has historically been nothing but a four-hour cock-block, as the higher-ranked teams (and most times they are ranked QUITE higher than their opponent) are only 8-5 all-time in the game. Four times a lower-ranked team has kept their opponent out of the NATIONAL championship game in winning a game they had no business being in. Texas (12-0) hopes to prevent the fifth time from happening this week against an offensively-challenged-yet-defensively-nasty Nebraska bunch looking for payback from the very first Big XII title game.
First things first. Mad props go out to Texas A&M and the aforementioned signal-caller Jerrod Johnson for giving Texas all they could handle. The Aggies and their fans truly believe they were put on this earth to beat Texas, and a 1-11 season is acceptable as long as that lone W was against Team Bevo. Kyle Field was as loud as anyone could remember, and that marooned-out crowd almost carried the 6-6 Aggies to their biggest win since ol’ RC graced the sidelines. Anyone remember who the last Ags coach who was under 50, didn’t have gray hair or give out a weird child molester-like vibe? But alas the once-vaunted Wrecking Crew defense couldn’t stop traffic even if it was a naked Mila Kunis with a “Free Ass” sign around its neck. Colt McCoy pretty much assured himself a one-year-overdo Heisman Trophy after he posted a 304-yard passing/175 yards rushing/5 total TDs performance, shockingly reminiscent of his predecessor. But then again his predecessor was inexplicably deHeismanned by the not-fully-informed voting personnel. Who knows? Who cares? All Colt knows is that he has to beat Nebraska on Saturday.
Speaking of Nebraska, word of the proliferation of the forward pass has reached Lincoln, as they begin to scout for the Big Game on Saturday. Zac Lee, who was shaken up in the embarrassingly-close win over Oh Danny’s Boys, MUST be healthy if Nebraska has any hope of pulling of the upset of the year. Who knows, maybe all-everything Ndamukong Suh can heave the ball downfield? Dude SOOO needs to be invited to the Heisman ceremony.
Did you happen to catch the Kansas/Mizzou game? If Mark “Figure 8” Man-gina was on the fence before, that fence came a-tumbling down this Saturday on the weight of not his girth but of his stupidity of his play-calling in the last 3 minutes of the Border War. The YALE coach even thought his play-calling was stupid.
And Oklahoma/Okie Lite is the new Notre Dame/Navy. How bottom-of-the-barrel bad is the Big XII this year? I know I’m supposed to be talking shit about the other conferences, but that’d be like Vanessa Huxtable trying to convince everyone that THEO was the annoying one.
Grade: O, as in Only Texas Keeps This Conference From Abysmalty…yes, I just made that word up.
SEC
Best Showing: Mid-tier teams, in sticking it to the two ACC Championship Game participants. And no SEC fan, that doesn’t demonstrate any kind of superiority. Don’t delude yourselves.
Worst Showing: Ole Miss, in a seemingly every-other-week honor. Jevan Snead lost more money this year than Lehman Brothers did last year. This is the most Jekyl and Hyde team I can remember. It’s like getting a virus, getting over it, and then getting the same virus a few weeks later. Ouch!
CBS and the SEC got its wish. Alabama and Florida meet on Saturday for world domination, and we get to have a week-long Tim Tebow circle jerk courtesy of the talking heads over on the Network. And then we have to sit through the game and listen to Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson try to one-up one another on His Timness superlatives. Don’t get me wrong, I like Tebow – I really do. Nothing but respect for Him and what he stands for. But I have never been more ready for one player to graduate. Verbal fellating of the highest order has accompanied this guy from the moment He set foot on campus in Gainesville, and I hit “MAX” on my own personal Timeter at about Week 5, 2007.
But kudos to Him. He’s won every game since His Speech Heard ‘Round the World, and He could culminate what could be the best career in college football history with two more championships. He had a helluva primer in his personal Bobby Bowden send-off, scoring 5 TDs while ensuring Saint Bobby would leave the Swamp with a winning record against the Gators for his two-years-too-long career. Now it’s just Alabama (again) that stands between Him and BCS glory.
That loud sound you heard on Friday evening was the president of CBS’s heart resuming beating after he’d sat through the #1/#2 SEC Championship promo-laced Iron Bowl telecast that saw Alabama make an SEC face-saving, game-winning drive in the final few minutes of the instant classic. And if it weren’t for some increasingly-common-in-the-SEC horrible clock management at the end by Team Chizik, that drive mighta been for naught. Survive and advance. That’s the name of the game when you’re undefeated in a BCS conference during the last month of the year.
And you’ve got to hand it to oft-maligned South Carolina and Georgia for each knocking off both ACC Championship Game participants. Like I said, Hate Week can be a bitch. But don’t think for a minute that the better team won the games, SEC fan.
Grade: M, and in Made for TV. The ‘Bama/’Rida game should be epic.
PAC-10
Best Showing: Stanford (and by Stanford I mean Toby Gerhart) in their (his) win over Notre Dame in a defense-optional showdown to punctuate Charlie Weis’s stint in South Bend.
Worst Showing: Rick Neuheisel and Pete Carroll for their bullshit at the end of the UCLA/U$C game. I’d expect this outta New-Weasel, but c’mon Pete! Weren’t you just bitching about Jim Harbaugh going for 2 while up 3 scores just a few weeks ago?
Is was an Neil Jordan-movie-for-date-night weekend for the PAC-10: ultimately anti-climactic. The two top teams had the week off as they prepared for the Civil War next weekend. THIS weekend, we saw the sloppy seconds beat up the sloppier thirds, as Arizona, U$C, Stanford and Washington beat up on lowly Arizona State, UCLA, Notre Dame and Washington State respectively.
The only bright spot cam in the form of Toby Gerhart, who contrary to popular belief is NOT named That White Running Back. Dude’s a beast. An absolute monster. But check him out without his helmet on. If you’ve just been run over by this guy all afternoon and then Bing him (fuck Google!), only to find out you just got run over by THAT mug, you’ve gotta feel like Stephen Rea in The Crying Game.
Grade: O, as in it’s all about the O’s (Oregon State and Oregon in the biggest Civil War since 1865).
ACC
Best Showing: Virginia, for firing Al Groh so appropriately and so quickly. Dude had a coaching record as spotty as an Asian beard.
Worst Showing: The conference, whose two Championship teams lost to two nothing teams from the SEC this year.
Well it’s officially coach-firing season, and the ACC was first out of the gate, putting Al Groh out of his misery following a dismal 3-9 season that saw a loss to FCS stalwart William and Mary and Ryan (with Ryan of course being freshman of the year Ryan Williams, who single-handedly beat Virginia on Saturday). Ralph Friedchicken managed to not be the Biggest Loser and will stick around for another impending non-winning year next season. Doesn’t speak too well for head coach-in-waiting James Franklin that they’re not comfortable handing him a 2-10 team now does it? Under Armour hates it too, as they have to still make up a custom XXXXXXXXL shirt to house Coach Lardass.
But the talk out in ACC territory this week was the loss of BOTH Championship Game combatants to the slightly-better-than-the-dregs of the SEC. Granted they were both rivalry games, but c’mon…being doubled up by South Carolina?! Only putting up 24 points on Georgia?! It’s so bad in ACC country that Mark Sanford is even embarrassed…
And do you think that if you asked Bobby Bowden in January, 1994 that his last regular season game would be an ankle-grabbing 37-10 loss to Florida while wearing a goofy Indiana Jonesish hat at night to cap a 6-6 season and THEN being forced out by a school he helped to keep solvent, he’d have thought you were sane? Granted he should have called it a career two years ago, but he has EARNED the right to decide that he’s going out on his terms and WHEN he wants to.
Grade: B, as in Bottom of the Barrel Bad
Big East
Best Showing: The Cincinnati O. You know you’re good if you can plug in a second string after the starter goes down and you don’t skip a beat. And then when the starter comes back, you continue to not skip a beat. Rumor has it Mike Martz beats off to Brian Kelly and his playbook.
Worst Showing: The Cincinnati D. Giving up 36 to the Zooks two weeks after giving up 45 to UCONN can’t be how the Bearcats brass wants to be heading into the default Conference Championship Game against Wanny. Rumor has it that Mike Martz beats off to thoughts of playing the Cincy D the last few weeks.
Wanny….THAT’S the Wanny we all know and love. Wanny and Bob Stoops are now synonymous with big game ineptitude, though Wanny’s implosions haven’t been on quite the stages as Bob’s epic fails of late. Another big game, another disappearing act for the Pitt offense. The guy simply plays NOT to lose in these big games, all of which bodes VERY well for Cincy. No word if Mike Martz will be in attendance…
And give it up for now-bowl-eligible UCONN! 6-5 with one more game to go. Even if they don’t beat South Florida, surely someone will give them a bowl…if that’s the case, 6 of the 8 Big East teams are going bowling. Impressive for a conference that had all of ZERO teams in the pre-season AP Poll…
Grade: C, as in Cincinnati ST, which is just as dangerous as their O. Mardy Gilyard is better at football than you are at anything.
Big 1T1en
Best Showing: Illinois was the only effing team that played. Black Friday and Hate Week means Big 1T1en teams need not apply.
Worst Showing: Conference Brass. Get an effing twelfth team, get a conference championship game, and effing play a game in December!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been on a “Big 1T1en Needs 12 Teams, a Conference Championship Game, Games in December, and a Kick In The Nads” soapbox off and on for the better part of a decade so I’ll give it a rest. I’d be willing to bet they’d be able to better compete in the post-season if they’d play a post-Thanksgiving game every now and then….
Grade: n/a, as in Not Acceptable to play only TWO games after Thanksgiving…ACROSS THE WHOLE CONFERENCE!
Mid-Majors and Independents
Best Showing: TCU again woodshedding its MWC opponent. These games are getting ugly FAST!
Worst Showing: Eastern Michigan, in wrapping up its perfectly imperfect O-fer-12 season
TCU and Boise State continue to romp their way through their brutally bad schedules, but look damn impressive carving up shit teams. When you see teams like this just take it to lesser competition, you can’t help but overestimate how good they are. But who knows, maybe they’d curb-stomp the Big 3. Sad thing is that we’ll never know. TCU, as a #4 BCS team, will garner an automatic berth to the Adult Table if they can manage to stay ahead of Cincy, but it looks more and more like they’ll be in the Fiesta Bowl against a two-loss Big 1T1en team (probably Penn State) or in the Orange Bowl against a 2-loss Georgia Tech team.
Boise State also looks BCS-bound, where they’ll likely be headed to one of the aforementioned BCS bowls listed above that TCU is NOT is. Secretly the Big 3 is thanking its stars they won’t have to face one of these two squads, as it’s a no-win scenario: beat them, and it’s no biggie, but lose and you just lost to a non-BCS team…
Grade: G, as in Good For You Guys!
And that’s what it looks like from…
The512
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