The Best Damn Poll In The Land

As the dirty jokes keep coming, so do obscure moments of opportunity. So when I got an email claiming that America's youth wanted to ask a few questions of "a sportswriter", I first thought "Sweet! Too young to talk, too young to testify!" But alas, it was college aged type questions, so no "old enough to pee, old enough for me!" stuff. I got the email starting like this...

"I tried for weeks to get local columnist Bob Kravitz to respond, and then tried some people from (other sites I won't mention here because they're competitors and bitch, I'm salty like that)..." which made me feel good. Apparently the class is doing some sportswriting talk, and after 55 attempts, someone figured I had nothing better to do than answer basic college football questions. I'm officially the fat girl that only gets calls after about 40 bars (not the awful song) and 15 other people have said no thanks, not tonight.

The assignment? Interview a local sportswriter, and this kid had college football as the topic. Nicely narrowed down so much that I was pretty much the sole option.

So are you excited about Nebraska being the 12th member of the Big 10? Because I know you hate expansion...

Well, it goes like this...you know that girl in class that comes in with the D&G purse and 400 bucks worth of low cut shirt and short skirt that you'd give 10 good years of your life for 10 good minutes of her naked on top of you in class? (he nods yes)? Then you know the girl in the back that smells like velveeta and may or may not have a unibrow (or dead gerbil) between her alien-like separation of the eyes? (nods yes again). Then there's the normal girl who flirts enough to know with some effort, you can hit it consistently and your friends won't make fun of you? That's Nebraska. Not hideous and ugly, like Syracuse, but not prime rib, like Notre Dame. Nebraska would be settling, but not too much. They bring nothing but football and a good academic reputation. Wait, so does Notre Dame....shit. Basically, son, Nebraska is more than bang-able, but they're not top shelf Patron. If I can shamelessly link-drop, here are my thoughts on it...things you'd know if you actually read the site...http://thebestdamnpoll.com/ScoresandNews/tabid/177/articleType/ArticleView/default.aspx?articleId=537

What are your thoughts on the Southern Cal verdict?

Well, junior, I think it's pure, composted manure. The NCAA continues to do a dim job of punishing the jackoffs that actually commit the crime. It goes a little like this..."I'm going to rob a bank. If I don't get caught, I keep the money. If I do, someone else takes the blame for the crime." Not bad, right? From Pete Carroll to John Calipari, the NCAA lets coaches run to the next best thing scott free while the guys who get punished weren't even in fuckin (don't you dare edit this for the teacher, kid) high school when Reggie took his first check. Once again, we have a case of coaches bringing down the program, and getting on their scooters just in time to beat the NCAA to the punishing punch. And what becomes of the culprits? Carroll makes more money than Bush did in college, and Bush gets to bang the bottom out of some girl with a tubby butt on a bed full of millions. America's grand, ain't it?

When is you guy's preseason stuff gonna come out? I see other magazines....

(This is where I stop him) Kid, you ever "have a woman?" (nods yes in a way that makes me think he's lying, like when I ask people if they've ever drank a dirty 30 of Keystone in 3 hours and you know they haven't) Well, remember that time before you were sure you were getting a little, you wanted to be fully prepared? So you took some serious tugs the weeks leading up to possible sexual encounter. You showered more than usual, and bought cheap, shitty cologne that smells like expensive, shitty cologne. To be prepared. And that's how we are. How ya gonna put out a preseason magazine when all the players won't be on campus til August? Earlier this week, Michigan's top recruit, Demar Dorsey was declared ineligible for pretend academic reasons. He was projected as a starter. Shit like that happens. To suggest you know what's gonna happen before rosters are even set? I have a friend named Crystal. She told me once about going out with this guy who thought she was bombing. They were watching TV, she started rubbing his knee, and he blew his wad right in his Lucky's. THAT's what's gonna happen if you try to do too much too soon.

If you could change one thing about college football, what would it be?

Other than a weight limit for cheerleaders and bags over the heads of Purdue's? Probably the celebration penalty. They're college kids. What the hell were you doing when you were 20? I bet "acting like every day is just another 8 hour shift @ the office enbalming deceased 7 year olds" isn't high on the list.

Who are you taking for your preseason Heisman even though you apparently hate preseason stuff this early (smartass)?

Blaine Gabbert, if only because a dude named Blaine as a QB just sounds as Americana cliche-great as a porn called "Prodding the Pokes...my orgy with Oklahoma State's cheerleaders." And because he's a monster. Derailing him? Having Gary Pinkel as a coach, which is like having to convince people you have vocal talents in spite of being half made of Billy Ray Cyrus' semen.

What made you guys decide to do this site?

Well, take a look at the AP and Coaches Polls, and you'll notice one glaring problem...it looks like they gave Terry Schiavo a pin and told her to fill it out in braille. We thought "do these people even watch college football?" College football is the lone sport that is possibly entirely decided by opinion, which suggests that having people that actually know something about college football might be of importance. Give coaches a pass, since they shouldn't be voting because they can't see all these teams when they're playing. We figured the fans knew more, and thus far we've been proven right (insert 512's thread here).

What about the Conference Chaos?

Well kid, you live in Indy, informal capital of the Frontrunner world. Nowadays, having 12 favorite teams allows you to win just about any argument, and if you know anything about me (and it's clear that you don't having asked Bob Kravitz to do any sort of interview), I'll sell out for potential income. Like Nelly, minus the actual use of Country Grammar. So I figured "most of us sit in our own vaccuums and surround ourselves with mental defectives who simply think all the same things as we do...like buying wrinkled shit from Abercrombie and Fitch (it AMAZES me that people pay 50 bucks for a wrinkled t-shirt...I can sell you wrinkled shit for 5 bucks, tops...dirty too!) and what we need is to read about the counter arguments, because it makes us angry." Years ago, in middle school, now retired and possibly not alive sportscaster Ed Sorenson told me that he loved getting hate mail because it proves people are reading and caring. People respond more and read more about shit they don't agree with rather than things they do. So why not get a dude from every corner of the conference nation and have them write about what's going on there, and the viewpoint from THAT end of the spectrum? You can learn a lot by reading stuff from people who live half a nation away from you. Especially when you live in the south and everyone else is 10 times smarter....

How did you personally get started writing about sports/college football and what advice would you give to someone trying to break in?

Well, I started out with a journalism major in college. Then one day, a teacher asked me to go interview people @ a flea market for a story and I said to him "why? I don't give a shit what those people think?" and he reminded me that good journalism only goes as far as the people interviewed. It was right there that I decided journalism sucks ass. I don't care what random people think. And I can't force myself to do so. I don't think it's cool talking to pro athletes, because I've smoked dope and drank with them instead, which is much cooler. Am I dumbing it down enough? So what I did was I just started writing shit, and people started reading it. And after that, I ran into a few people (like The Greek, 512, etc) who felt the same way I did. Then, I played basketball in college and decided to pretend that that fact means I can tell everyone else what the hell they should be knowing on all sports, basketball or otherwise. It's a good gig. Reality of it is, kid, is that there are too many people looking to do the "responsible journalism, armchair quarterback" thing, so if you're trying to go the route most traveled, it will come down to how much dick you suck at your internship. My advice is, find a niche, figure out what you love, and jot it down. If it's good, people will find you and things will multiply. If you're not good, you'll play with yourself in your basement typing in "sexy" into Youtube just to see what comes up and work at Burger King the rest of your life. But at least you took the chance. So when you turn this interview in and get an F for rude language, tell your teacher to grow a pair and remind her that guys like JD Salinger didn't have naggy old women bitching about MLA format when they wrote great American pieces.

This isn't going in the paper, but what's your deal with Miley Cyrus?

Have you seen the video for "Can't Be Tamed?"  I suggest watching it.  If that doesn't have you hard in 2.5 seconds, let me know, and I'll figure out where Magic Johnson got those special pills that cured him.  You'll be needing them later on.

Thank you for responding. My assignment is due on May 28th. Please let me know if you're unable or unwilling to help me out, because I'll need to find someone else to interview. Thank you very much for your time,

Josh S.

IUPUI School of Communication Studies

Facebook Teddy, biatch...