Douch Canoe of the Week!

Douche Canoe of the Week!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:36:00 GMT

Its been a few weeks since our last "douche canoe" revealed themselves from the depths of human existence. But, we've certainly witnessed a quickening pace to the number of worthy candidates. It seems to be all the rage to moan and complain about things after the fact. Especially complaints about things that our out of our personal control. Crying, whining, moaning, groaning...whatever you want to call it, complaining seems to be the style of the day.

We've seen example after example of this from our very own college football head coaches. Mack Brown got this recent cycle kicked off by whining about SEC bias...of all things. Now, not to be outdone, several SEC coaches themselves (Petrino, Kiffen and Mullen, et al) are complaining about everything from holding penalties to replay officials to even a vast SEC-based conspiracy to get 'Bama and UF to the SEC Championship Game. Hmm, really?

Despite all of this moaning and groaning...there is even a bigger group of idiots that have earned this week's award. Amazing, but true.

As I sit here and write this, a major snowstorm is raging out my window. It literally looks like a snow globe. There is already 17 inches on the ground and we are expecting 6-8 inches more ("that's what she said"). While I keep one eye on the weather outside, I'm listening to the Baseball Tonight guys from ESPN break down the Phillies Game 1 victory over the Yankees and wonder...why in heck are they just now playing Game 1 of the World Series...on October 28th! Seriously. I mean they scheduled it this way? How dumb is that? I know the Rockies didn't quite make it to the World Series (WS) this year, but they weren't too far off. Just imagine if Major League Baseball (MLB) would have had to postponed WS games because of two feet of snow covering the field. Talk about embarrassing!

Its not just the late calendar dates that have turn the MLB into a bunch of "douche canoes", its also the late start times of the games. I mean games aren't even getting going until around 815p ET these days. With an average game length of over 3 hours, most of these games will not end until near midnight. What kids...hold it...what adults out there will be able to make it until midnight to watch one of these games on a school night. Do we really need to have the start of the game appear in prime time? I mean who watches the first six innings anyway? Get the best part of the games into prime time and that would be the 7th, 8th and 9th innings! MLB has lost a generation of kids who are potential fans on this single problem alone...let alone all of the other crap they do.

Speaking of other crap, the MLB's handling of PEDs (whatever those are), the lack of a salary cap, the lack of any sort of parity, the complete and utter failure of Bud Selig to provide any sort of positive change and probably a thousand other things, has caused major harm to the ultimate success of professional baseball in this country. It truly is a shame and quite painful to watch. I played baseball for my entire childhood and into college. I love the game, but I hate this product. Its boring, lacks depth, and is on occasion quite capricious. I can't believe I will admit this, but I watched more of Cougar Town (the entire episode) than I did of Game 1 of the WS (not one pitch).

The "douche canoe" livery that is the MLB, is led by the chief "douch canoe" himself...Bud Selig. There is hope that, if they could get Bud out of there and get someone who actually cares about the renewal and growth of professional baseball in the 21st century, baseball could recover. But until then, the MLB could take a few pointers from the NFL, NCAA, NBA and even the NHL. Its time for baseball to live again and come join the rest of us in this century! Get with the program, Bud.

Major League Baseball, "douche canoe" of the week!

Why this is the most mediocre college football season in recent memory...or...Why this season sucks. By Apolloj23.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:26:00 GMT

In the spirit of Blog-tober, I think I'm going to put this out there and see where it goes.

"This season sucks."

Don't get me wrong. I love college football. And when I say love...its borderline ridiculous. I'll watch any game that is on (well at least part of it). I'll read any article I can get. I love the TBDPITL and everything that is getting accomplished here. All my co-workers know it. My family and friends know it. My wife knows it and is nearly as bad as me. I even think my 5 month old son shakes his head when the conversation changes to college football.

But...

This season absolutely sucks. Why? I'm not sure I can say why. But there is plenty of proof.

1. Could the dominant team(s) please stand up?

While Florida, Alabama and Texas have been 1, 2 and 3 (in no particular order) respectively so far this season, none have shown the dominating performances we expect from the top tier teams half way through the season. Ultimately, either Florida or Alabama will eventually be eliminated from the NCG picture by natural attrition. Which leaves Texas as the only true favorite right now to make the NCG this season. This would be the same Texas team that looked downright sloppy this past Saturday against a undermanned and underrated Oklahoma team. Yes, I understand all three teams are undefeated...but it only takes a moment to slip and get Purdued. Trust me, I know. Speaking of which, what happened to USC and Ohio State? While Washington is much improved (maybe Pete was doing Steve a favor?) and yes, USC was without starting freshman QB Matt Barkley, they should have been able to step up and dominate a Husky team which failed to win a single game last year. And Ohio State, certainly has plenty of young talent at several key positions. But a momentary lapse of reason against a team you would expect them to take care of leaves a lot of doubt about a traditional power. I don' t think we have seen the last of teams getting Purdued this year.

2. Mid-Major? I say Mid-Minor.

Over the past few seasons we've seen the rise of several good Mid-Major teams. Boise State and Utah being at the head of that class. TCU has joined their ranks this year and have had some good runs in the past few years as well. But even these Mid-Major teams seem to struggling along the way. At least that's my perception. What little we do get to see of them on national TV is less than impressive from a talent point of view. They are certainly well coached, but the pool of teams they play against week in and week out if clearly not as talented and produces what we call in clinical research...a false positive. Mid-Majors = False Positives. And while they are not technically Mid-Majors, the Big East and ACC teams certainly seem to be more Mid-Major than BCS. What a mess those two conferences are. You can't even use the transitive property of college football to justify anything about those teams!

3. The Downtown Athletic Club is freaking out!

Not only are we not seeing teams rising to the top, but individual players aren't either. Clausen, Tebow, Pike, Bradford and McCoy all sound like names that should be on our Heisman ballots. Well? Really? From that list, Pike is the only one that has impressed me both from a statistical point of view and an on-the-field performance point of view. But he is now hurt and it appears that his season may be interrupted if not over completely. The others on that list are all chaff at this point, in my opinion. Good? Yes. Consistent? No. Heisman worthy? Definitely not. Maybe its time a full-time defensive player (Woodson doesn't count) wins the award, which has never happened.

4. The Poll spots 4-25.

Separating the "haves" from the "have nots" is typically pretty easy by week 7 of any football season. Not so much this year. This is indicative of the 42 teams (as of the time I wrote this, minus the selection of Miami (OH), which someone still cannot figure out does not get hurricanes) listed as receiving votes for The Poll. I think if the 4th team was listed at 25th or even vice versa, there would be a clear delineation between the two. And I don't think I could give a legitimate unbiased opinion on why someone who listed it that way shouldn't. This season hasn't been the year of the upset...its the year of parity. And not just FBS parity, but all of Division 1 college football, FCS included. Iowa, is a good example here. They squeak by UNI in week one and struggle against Arkansas State for three quarters. But would either of them have been considered major upsets? I would say no! Upset? Yes. A major one? No. Yet, Iowa is leading the Big Ten and has climbed into the Top 10. And if you think otherwise, than you can put every single team, every single game on "Upset Alert". Because the difference between #4 and #304 is much smaller than it has ever been. Parity is here to stay...get used to it.

So, what is the point of all of this. Well, as I told The Greek a few weeks ago, "Sometimes its difficult to make lame funny." And while this season has had its share of highlights and we should expect more highlights to come, this season started with a sucker punch to the face...and collectively, the players, the coaches, the fans and the referees, have yet to get off the canvas. We need a standing eight count and quick! Or this whole season will go down as the most disappointing and mediocre season in recent memory.

Douche Canoe of the Week!

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:41:00 GMT

First, I want to thank everyone for the feedback last week. I now know from personal experience that the content the contributors to this site produce can be quite labor intensive and only feels "worth it", if you guys are reading it. Feedback is a great way to do that...even if its a "Hey, liked your post" kind of comment...its makes all the difference. Thanks again.

This week appeared to be a rather slow news cycle regarding outlandish behavior in sports, however, there was still plenty of potential "douche canoes" out there to fill the void. It seems that as humans, we do one thing very well, and that is screw up. Some just do it more often then others. While others do it more spectacularly than others. The nominees this week are making an absolute mess of their 15 minutes of fame.

This weeks "douche canoe" nominees are:

Jon Gosselin of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" fame. Both he and Kate could have won this award a thousand times over already. It appears that this week Jon took an unauthorized withdraw of $200,000 from the estranged couples joint bank account, leaving just $1,000 behind. Need another Ed Hardy shirt Jon?

Roman Polanski, Academy Award winning director of "The Pianist", is back in the news again. Polanski is currently fighting extradition back to U.S. after being arrested on his 32 year old warrant for rape. Roman...you should have stayed in France with your "Peeanist".

Afghanistan. Now, you may be wondering how could a country be nominated for this award. Well, after a ten year attempt by the Soviets and now seven years by the U.S., it seems that they just can't get it together over there. Lets go folks...join us in the 21st century here. If you weren't making such a mess of things, your 15 minutes would have been up long ago.

And this week's winner is:

Robert "Joe" (Shouldn't it be "Bob"?) Halderman

"Joe" is the CBS television producer who has taken it upon himself to attempt to blackmail long time late night TV host, David Letterman. In a bizarre and somewhat cathartic dialogue on his show, Letterman revealed to the world that he was the victim of blackmail scheme which would reveal the "terrible things" that Letterman has done. The "terrible things" included having sexual relationship with women that worked on his show. The strange part came when in a moment of absolute honesty, Letterman admitted to the relationship(s) in his usual self-deprecating tone.

While you may not like Letterman's comedy or may not respect his relationship choices, you have to admit that his willingness to be so open about this issue is rather refreshing. Most of the time celebrities deflect blame (Jon Gosselin), run (Roman Polanski) or literally shoot themselves in the foot (Afghanistan). But in this case, Dave owned up to the story and in what was essentially an office romance (or a maybe couple romances over the years), there seems to be a lot of exposure to this story. So, why is that? Halderman and his "douche canoe" behavior.

Halderman, who has been charged with first-degree attempted grand larceny, used his relationship with one of Letterman's former girlfriends, to secure vital and personal information from her diary to use in the blackmail scheme. It was also the method in which Halderman carried out the scheme that is so interesting. He threatened to write a screenplay, in which would lay out the details of Letterman's relationship(s). Really, "douche canoe"? A screenplay? Oh, don't hurt us with a screenplay! I wonder if Ray Lewis ever threatened someone with a screenplay. "Don't come over the middle, Keyshawn, or I will lay you out with a screenplay!"

In any event, blackmailing someone has to be about the most cowardly method of attempting to ruin someones life. Besides that, how dumb must you be to actually think you can get away with something so bizarre. I'm sure more details of this "sextortion", as some are calling it, will be revealed in the coming days. Weird story, weird dude.

Robert "Joe" Halderman, "douche canoe" of the week!

Douche Canoe of the Week!

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:36:00 GMT

Phonetically appealing, the phrase "douche canoe" has risen quickly within the vernacular of slang using Americans across the country. The Urban Dictionary calls Hanover, NH as the home town of the term. I don't know if that is true or not, but the term has certainly made a home here with the members and forum participants at the TBDPITL.

Born out of a need to help classify the douchiest of all douche bags walking the earth, the phrase "douche canoe" has filled that void. When douche or douche bag simply isn't enough, "douche canoe" has taken identification of douchbaggery to a new level.

This blog will give us an opportunity to identify, define and chastise the douchiest people on the planet..."douche canoes"!

For the duration of the season and often as I can in the off-season, I will help call out the "douche canoes" of the world. Hopefully, their story will give us all an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and spot similar species. Remember, avoid the "douche canoe" at all cost!

This weeks "douche canoe" nominees are:

Mackenzie Phillips, Moammar Gadhafi, David Hasselhoff and Bob Griese.

And this week's winner is...

Bob "Jimmie Johnson's #1 Fan" Griese

While this might come as a surprise to some of you who don't get to hear Bob call your conference's games every week for ESPN/ABC, Bob would be better served coaching softball for the Saskatoon Rough Riders. Whether it is his blatant homer-ism when calling Purdue games and to some degree Michigan (son Brian played there) or his attempt to comment on things he knows nothing about, Bob is quickly turning into one of the biggest "douche canoe" color commentators in college football.

For example, this week during promos for ABC's coverage of NASCAR's Chase for the Cup, Bob decided to enlighten all of us by mentioning that NASCAR runs 8 or 9 of them races in a row at the end of the season. What? Really, Bob? Thanks for that tidbit of info.

Or two weeks ago during the Wisconsin / Fresno State game, Bob showed his true colors when he mentioned this on-air, "You know, everything won't be right in the scheme of things in collegefootball until Notre Dame gets back and Michigan gets back and all thepowers that used to be get back to where they were,". Hmmm, the only thing that sentence missed was Griese reminding us that the '72 Dolphins are the best football team ever (I think I just threw up a little)!

Or during the Ohio State / Navy game, Griese...who played in the Big Ten, who's son played in the Big Ten, who calls Big Ten games every week, decided to call the Buckeyes defense "a bunch of Buccaneers"...as in the Navy wide receiver found himself surrounded by "a bunch of Buccaneers". They are the Buckeyes you "douche canoe!"

Bob, Mercury Morris called. Even he thinks you are an embarrassment to color commentating. Retire. Give it up. The Rough Riders need you.

Bob Griese, "douche canoe" of the week!