Written by: teddydupay4 3/4/2010 8:55 PM
1. Boise State: I don't want to hear your shit. If I wanted to, I'd tape a Lindsay Lohan mask to your face, because she at least looks better than you. They won "my" national title last year, and they start off #1. 2. Alabama: Don't worry, guys, maybe this can be your year.... (off topic, but why does everyone in Alabama wear gay combover haircuts...in COLLEGE?) 3. Virginia Tech: 45 NFL caliber running backs, including the QB. Is it just me, or has Tyrod Taylor been there for 60 years? 4. Nebraska: Too high? No, I'm not. Nebraska was close last year. Too close. This year, the only thing closer is Glenn, who is the most hideous woman alive. 5. Ohio State: I tried so hard to justify putting another Big 10 team ahead of OSU, but barring injury, this is Terrelle Pryor's "nee ner, I told you so..." year 6. Oregon: How fast is LaMichael James with an ankle bracelet on? Have they timed it? 7. Oklahoma: Last year's obvious lost bet to Satan means there's more depth and hopefully less Landry Jones mustache 8. Miami: The U has a miserable schedule. If they're going to do it under Shanny, it'll probably be this year. 9. TCU: They return enough players to suggest that maybe a best outta 3 with Boise State isn't completely outta the question. 10. Southern Cal: This is a top 5 team with a better coach (cough, choke, hack Pete Carroll...)...editor's note: I reserve the right to change this if they get raped by the NCAA and everyone worth a shit transfers 11. Wisconsin: I might be lowballing the Badgers, but for whatever reason, they normally seem to find one game where they like to lose even though they should win. Like a girl with great legs who just won't wear a skirt. 12. Texas: Garrett Gilbert gives them hope, which is good, since other things that make fans feel good...like returning stud ass players (McCoy, Kindle, Shipley) aren't an option. Can they find a frigging running game? 13. Florida: The apostles weren't the same after Jesus left. Florida won't be either. 14. Iowa: Huge momentum coming into this season. Likely a typical Iowa flameout where they look like they could be top 5 and finish with 6 losses. Being a non-committal douche, I'll put them in between 15. Missouri: Blaine Gabbert is the best player you've heard about but probably don't know anything regarding. How will coach Pinkel jack this one up? Move him to TE? 16. Arkansas: This year is the Hogs' coming out party. You'll need to score 40 to beat them...which worked fine last year, but the odds are maybe they've improved just a tiny freaking bit. 17. Pittsburgh: I've never seen such a slow, putrid team routinely be favored in a conference. Or whatever the Big East is. It's like having to pick the most fuck-able girl in a leper colony. 18. North Carolina: Last time anyone in Chapel Hill said "fuck, is it football season yet?" Never. Til now. 19. Georgia Tech: Dwyer is gone, but Nesbit is not, and ironically in the triple I, the QB is the most important position. Hopefully this year, Joshy throws better than a fucking amputee. 20. Oregon State: Sean Canfield leaving was addition by subtraction. Just snap the ball to someone with the last name of Rodgers. 21. Stanford: The Cardinal are deep now. Balls deep. Jim Harbaugh is fucking awesome. Wanna coach the Lions? 22. South Florida: BJ Daniels highlights what is becoming a routine for me...ranking USF out of some sort of fucked up denial. When Skip Holtz came in, no one wants to admit it, but so did "better coaching." 24. Oklahoma State: I like what Gundy is building down there in Stoolwater. Every year, I over-rank OSU and say "this is the year they make me look smart" so like an alcoholic right outta rehab looking at the bar across the street....pour me another, barkeep. 25. Michigan: Unless completely inconceivable, I rank Michigan #25 outta principle to myself, my family, and my penis. Wait, not my penis. I mean fuck, they've been practicing all this time, THIS is the year it shows up, right? Naw. Short of mental breakdowns of the 10th kind, this was an 8 win team last year. This year, they grow some brains.
1. Boise State: I don't want to hear your shit. If I wanted to, I'd tape a Lindsay Lohan mask to your face, because she at least looks better than you. They won "my" national title last year, and they start off #1.
2. Alabama: Don't worry, guys, maybe this can be your year.... (off topic, but why does everyone in Alabama wear gay combover haircuts...in COLLEGE?)
3. Virginia Tech: 45 NFL caliber running backs, including the QB. Is it just me, or has Tyrod Taylor been there for 60 years?
4. Nebraska: Too high? No, I'm not. Nebraska was close last year. Too close. This year, the only thing closer is Glenn, who is the most hideous woman alive.
5. Ohio State: I tried so hard to justify putting another Big 10 team ahead of OSU, but barring injury, this is Terrelle Pryor's "nee ner, I told you so..." year
6. Oregon: How fast is LaMichael James with an ankle bracelet on? Have they timed it?
7. Oklahoma: Last year's obvious lost bet to Satan means there's more depth and hopefully less Landry Jones mustache
8. Miami: The U has a miserable schedule. If they're going to do it under Shanny, it'll probably be this year.
9. TCU: They return enough players to suggest that maybe a best outta 3 with Boise State isn't completely outta the question.
10. Southern Cal: This is a top 5 team with a better coach (cough, choke, hack Pete Carroll...)...editor's note: I reserve the right to change this if they get raped by the NCAA and everyone worth a shit transfers
11. Wisconsin: I might be lowballing the Badgers, but for whatever reason, they normally seem to find one game where they like to lose even though they should win. Like a girl with great legs who just won't wear a skirt.
12. Texas: Garrett Gilbert gives them hope, which is good, since other things that make fans feel good...like returning stud ass players (McCoy, Kindle, Shipley) aren't an option. Can they find a frigging running game?
13. Florida: The apostles weren't the same after Jesus left. Florida won't be either.
14. Iowa: Huge momentum coming into this season. Likely a typical Iowa flameout where they look like they could be top 5 and finish with 6 losses. Being a non-committal douche, I'll put them in between
15. Missouri: Blaine Gabbert is the best player you've heard about but probably don't know anything regarding. How will coach Pinkel jack this one up? Move him to TE?
16. Arkansas: This year is the Hogs' coming out party. You'll need to score 40 to beat them...which worked fine last year, but the odds are maybe they've improved just a tiny freaking bit.
17. Pittsburgh: I've never seen such a slow, putrid team routinely be favored in a conference. Or whatever the Big East is. It's like having to pick the most fuck-able girl in a leper colony.
18. North Carolina: Last time anyone in Chapel Hill said "fuck, is it football season yet?" Never. Til now.
19. Georgia Tech: Dwyer is gone, but Nesbit is not, and ironically in the triple I, the QB is the most important position. Hopefully this year, Joshy throws better than a fucking amputee.
20. Oregon State: Sean Canfield leaving was addition by subtraction. Just snap the ball to someone with the last name of Rodgers.
21. Stanford: The Cardinal are deep now. Balls deep. Jim Harbaugh is fucking awesome. Wanna coach the Lions?
22. South Florida: BJ Daniels highlights what is becoming a routine for me...ranking USF out of some sort of fucked up denial. When Skip Holtz came in, no one wants to admit it, but so did "better coaching."
24. Oklahoma State: I like what Gundy is building down there in Stoolwater. Every year, I over-rank OSU and say "this is the year they make me look smart" so like an alcoholic right outta rehab looking at the bar across the street....pour me another, barkeep.
25. Michigan: Unless completely inconceivable, I rank Michigan #25 outta principle to myself, my family, and my penis. Wait, not my penis. I mean fuck, they've been practicing all this time, THIS is the year it shows up, right? Naw. Short of mental breakdowns of the 10th kind, this was an 8 win team last year. This year, they grow some brains.
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