Written by: teddydupay4 2/20/2010 11:54 PM
So I found $700 yesterday that I didn't know existed to my name. For poor people like myself, this is known either as "theft" or "enough to buy a car." To go cause theft. I wish I could use every dime of it to pay Seth Rogan to never appear on TV ever again. At this moment, I affirmed that for all my complaining at times, there are people much more unlucky than me. They're called "people who watch the Olympics." That's right. Two years have passed since I railed out (drunk, no less) the most commented on piece I wrote since Mein Kampf (wait, that wasn't me?). The overall lame-ness of the Olympics. Now this year, I almost didn't write it. No one cares about the Winter Olympics anymore than they care about tube socks or "doing it missionary." Boring. But since I'm subjected now in the mornings to people pretending to shove its interest down my throat? It is my duty as an American to speak for 85% of the country and rip television's version of Senior study hall (hint: useless shit no one pays attention to). This year though, I'll go a different route. Instead of just charging out and explaining the 6,925 reasons the winter games completely smoke pole, I'll instead use the two main counter-arguments I get, and explain why they don't work. Argument #1: The USA factor. You're an American, therefore you MUST get behind this Olympic cause. It's a "self pride in country" thing. This argument is weaker than the 50 cent condoms they gave out at the student union building at Ball State. They came out of the package punctured. And colored. "Hey, honey, does purple or orange go better with vaginal discharge?" Take wherever you're from. Say, Chicago. Because that's where my wife's from, and she's sitting right freakin here. This means you're a Bulls, Bears, and Cubs fan. Fine. It means you're also a Chicago Wolves fan. It means, because you're from Chicago, you are hereby required, for city pride, to set aside time to watch the Blackhawks play, even though you don't even know what hockey is, but are 80% sure it has something to do with a loogie. It means, even though the Cubs are struggling, since you're...from Chicago, you LOVE the White Sox in the AL. Even though you read this thinking "who the F are the Chicago Wolves?" you are...because you're from Chicago, required to not only be interested in them and their league, but to set aside time to watch something completely barely interesting...just because of hometown pride. It means you rooted for Ray Nitschke even though he played for Green Bay...you know, because he was from your hometown. And hell, there are a billion and some people from America. And only a few mil from Chicago. So clearly, if you're aligning yourself to the massive group, it's much easier to attach yourself to the smaller one. See how stupid this is? Very. That last paragraph was the most useless shit written since...well, when's the last time 98 Degrees put out an album? I am not required to be interested in wholly boring shit that I otherwise wouldn't watch JUST because I happen to have been born within country lines. If anything, I'd be more compelled to root against the American athletes, because if American sports is held up by one truth, it's that " big losers don't get TV spots, unless they're called the Knicks...or fat people." Just because I'm an American, or you're from Chicago, it doesn't mean you somehow are obligated to be interested in something that you NEVER would be interested in otherwise. Why? Because it's boring. Which brings us to Argument #2... Argument #2: You've got to watch and give credit to athletes who dedicate their entire lives to one cause, without rest, 110%. YOU couldn't do it... Bullshit. I've seen 3 men flip a house that a crackwhore wouldn't take a poop at within a week and sell it in two. I've seen the obligatory "career waiter" somehow bring me ketchup from the back approximately 0.8 seconds after I ask for it, all with a smile on his mid-30s face. I've seen retail store managers do jumping jacks over correct inventory bonuses. So there are a lotta people who dedicate their lives to boring endeavors that I don't want to watch. And this is no different. There are dedicated workers across the country who punish themselves 50 hours a week for no glory, love, or even consistent sex from their wives for a cause that no one watches. No one ever has watched. And no one ever will. That doesn't make it interesting. Nor does it make it compelling. I can walk into Wal-Mart for 17 minutes and find someone willing to give me a gut wrenching life synopsis rife with setbacks, failure, and eventual success. Most olympic sports (especially the winter games) are no more entertaining than doing laundry. Yes, correct, I can't do it. You also can't shoot a 75 on a golf course. Does that make it watch-able? You also probably can't frame a basement. Does that make it entertaining on television? When I see people use this argument, I immediately laugh, as if there's something unique about boring shit that goes on every 4 years as opposed to strictly boring shit that happens more often. Like I'm obligated to force my own interest in something that...if it really were THAT interesting....wouldn't I be watching it more than once every 4 years? Golf is in the Olympics. It gets watched more than once every 4 years. Ditto with basketball. Nothing will change because my logic and reasoning is infallible. The Olympics are terrible theater. Normally unwatchable sports made pretend interesting just because some fiction of "country pride" is involved. Those obsessed with the Winter Games...or "collection of bitchy rich kids who couldn't succeed at other sports so they got mommy and daddy to buy them a ski lodge pass" might explain to me why exactly they don't care about alpine skiing or figure skating 75% of the calendar years that pass. Instead, they'll buy into the forced story lines of Jonas Brothers reject turned "I'm named after a spacecraft" Apolo Anton Ohno as "riveting." Or hail Lindsey Vonn's toughness, even though NFL players weekly go out there with broken ribs and arms. Toughness is relative, I suppose. All in all, the Olympics are bad. I'm cool with you enjoying it. That's fine with me. I'm glad. NBC brought me Seinfeld and the John Tesh NBA theme. So they deserve the viewership now of someone, anyone willing to buy into this drivel. Just don't tell me why I "should" watch it. When it snows, I should shovel my driveway. When the grass gets long, I should cut it. When my family is hungry, I should cook. And don't tell me how it's interesting unless you're prepared to provide proof that you watch curling in "off" years. Here's a fun fact. Remember that hockey we spoke of? More people watch the Stanley Cup finals than Olympic hockey. With the same players. The defense rests. So do my eyes if my TV ever gets locked on NBC.
So I found $700 yesterday that I didn't know existed to my name. For poor people like myself, this is known either as "theft" or "enough to buy a car." To go cause theft. I wish I could use every dime of it to pay Seth Rogan to never appear on TV ever again. At this moment, I affirmed that for all my complaining at times, there are people much more unlucky than me. They're called "people who watch the Olympics." That's right. Two years have passed since I railed out (drunk, no less) the most commented on piece I wrote since Mein Kampf (wait, that wasn't me?). The overall lame-ness of the Olympics.
Now this year, I almost didn't write it. No one cares about the Winter Olympics anymore than they care about tube socks or "doing it missionary." Boring. But since I'm subjected now in the mornings to people pretending to shove its interest down my throat? It is my duty as an American to speak for 85% of the country and rip television's version of Senior study hall (hint: useless shit no one pays attention to). This year though, I'll go a different route. Instead of just charging out and explaining the 6,925 reasons the winter games completely smoke pole, I'll instead use the two main counter-arguments I get, and explain why they don't work.
Argument #1: The USA factor. You're an American, therefore you MUST get behind this Olympic cause. It's a "self pride in country" thing.
This argument is weaker than the 50 cent condoms they gave out at the student union building at Ball State. They came out of the package punctured. And colored. "Hey, honey, does purple or orange go better with vaginal discharge?" Take wherever you're from. Say, Chicago. Because that's where my wife's from, and she's sitting right freakin here. This means you're a Bulls, Bears, and Cubs fan. Fine. It means you're also a Chicago Wolves fan. It means, because you're from Chicago, you are hereby required, for city pride, to set aside time to watch the Blackhawks play, even though you don't even know what hockey is, but are 80% sure it has something to do with a loogie. It means, even though the Cubs are struggling, since you're...from Chicago, you LOVE the White Sox in the AL. Even though you read this thinking "who the F are the Chicago Wolves?" you are...because you're from Chicago, required to not only be interested in them and their league, but to set aside time to watch something completely barely interesting...just because of hometown pride. It means you rooted for Ray Nitschke even though he played for Green Bay...you know, because he was from your hometown. And hell, there are a billion and some people from America. And only a few mil from Chicago. So clearly, if you're aligning yourself to the massive group, it's much easier to attach yourself to the smaller one. See how stupid this is? Very. That last paragraph was the most useless shit written since...well, when's the last time 98 Degrees put out an album? I am not required to be interested in wholly boring shit that I otherwise wouldn't watch JUST because I happen to have been born within country lines. If anything, I'd be more compelled to root against the American athletes, because if American sports is held up by one truth, it's that " big losers don't get TV spots, unless they're called the Knicks...or fat people." Just because I'm an American, or you're from Chicago, it doesn't mean you somehow are obligated to be interested in something that you NEVER would be interested in otherwise. Why? Because it's boring. Which brings us to Argument #2...
Argument #2: You've got to watch and give credit to athletes who dedicate their entire lives to one cause, without rest, 110%. YOU couldn't do it...
Bullshit. I've seen 3 men flip a house that a crackwhore wouldn't take a poop at within a week and sell it in two. I've seen the obligatory "career waiter" somehow bring me ketchup from the back approximately 0.8 seconds after I ask for it, all with a smile on his mid-30s face. I've seen retail store managers do jumping jacks over correct inventory bonuses. So there are a lotta people who dedicate their lives to boring endeavors that I don't want to watch. And this is no different. There are dedicated workers across the country who punish themselves 50 hours a week for no glory, love, or even consistent sex from their wives for a cause that no one watches. No one ever has watched. And no one ever will. That doesn't make it interesting. Nor does it make it compelling. I can walk into Wal-Mart for 17 minutes and find someone willing to give me a gut wrenching life synopsis rife with setbacks, failure, and eventual success. Most olympic sports (especially the winter games) are no more entertaining than doing laundry. Yes, correct, I can't do it. You also can't shoot a 75 on a golf course. Does that make it watch-able? You also probably can't frame a basement. Does that make it entertaining on television? When I see people use this argument, I immediately laugh, as if there's something unique about boring shit that goes on every 4 years as opposed to strictly boring shit that happens more often. Like I'm obligated to force my own interest in something that...if it really were THAT interesting....wouldn't I be watching it more than once every 4 years? Golf is in the Olympics. It gets watched more than once every 4 years. Ditto with basketball.
Nothing will change because my logic and reasoning is infallible. The Olympics are terrible theater. Normally unwatchable sports made pretend interesting just because some fiction of "country pride" is involved. Those obsessed with the Winter Games...or "collection of bitchy rich kids who couldn't succeed at other sports so they got mommy and daddy to buy them a ski lodge pass" might explain to me why exactly they don't care about alpine skiing or figure skating 75% of the calendar years that pass. Instead, they'll buy into the forced story lines of Jonas Brothers reject turned "I'm named after a spacecraft" Apolo Anton Ohno as "riveting." Or hail Lindsey Vonn's toughness, even though NFL players weekly go out there with broken ribs and arms. Toughness is relative, I suppose. All in all, the Olympics are bad. I'm cool with you enjoying it. That's fine with me. I'm glad. NBC brought me Seinfeld and the John Tesh NBA theme. So they deserve the viewership now of someone, anyone willing to buy into this drivel. Just don't tell me why I "should" watch it. When it snows, I should shovel my driveway. When the grass gets long, I should cut it. When my family is hungry, I should cook. And don't tell me how it's interesting unless you're prepared to provide proof that you watch curling in "off" years. Here's a fun fact. Remember that hockey we spoke of? More people watch the Stanley Cup finals than Olympic hockey. With the same players. The defense rests. So do my eyes if my TV ever gets locked on NBC.
Copyright ©2010 Teddy Dupay
Re: Oh-Limp-Icks Whatever TD4. You are a great ranter. I will still watch while I sit here and look at this board.
Re: Oh-Limp-Icks
Whatever TD4. You are a great ranter. I will still watch while I sit here and look at this board.